life is trying

So my Nan's Mobile scooter was delivered yesterday. She got rid of her car last week, well gave it away to my cousin which has caused massive family upset, how can you have 4 grandchildren and just decide to give one of them a car and expect it not to cause problems?

She got on her scooter for the first time and promptly drove it in to the pot plants in the front garden and broke the pots and dented the new scooter!

Silly old dear! She has so little knowledge of the roads that today she got lost, although I have wanted to say those words to her many time I never thought she would actually do it!

Tomorrow is her 87th birthday so I suppose I should see the old dear although she'll only be rude and obnoxious as usual, if you have ever watched Cathering Tate's scene with the old women with no manners or subtlty that's my nan but she's worse! Why do I put up with this, oh I forgot, I have no choice!

I have just had a phonecall from my 87 year old nan, I thought she had finally come to her senses when she said she was going to sell her car but she then followed it up by saying she is buying a scooter instead!

This woman is seriously nuts, she has never used one before and just wants to go and buy it tomorrow, she has no insurance and has great difficulty in moving around due to her age and arthritis and she thinks she can use a scooter....is she off her fucking trolley?

Shes lethal behind the wheel of a car can you imagine her on an electric scooter, she hasn't yet worked out where she will keep it or how she will re-charge it. She is one of those old gits that as soon as she has an idea in her head no-one can change her mind, something tells me she'll be dead by Christmas, oh well at least we wont have to have one of those boring Christmas dinners with the relatives!.....Always look on the bright side!........Sorry, never really seen eye to eye with the woman and now she just annoys me a hell of a lot!

I gave in after all these years of travelling out to New York where I have some great friends and memories I said I would take my mum as she has never been. Never again! I forgot how difficult their generation can be and how rude they are without even thinking who they could be offending.

There we are in a multi-cultural city and she is doing her racist bit again, fine if that is her opinion but does she have to say it so that everyone around her can hear?

In such a fast moving city she walks at the pace of a snail and takes so bloody long to pay for anything while she works out which coin is which that a massive queue of irritable people queue up behind her, I try to explain that it is a fast moving city and people don't have the time to wait for her and she takes it offensively, if only she knew what all the people behind her would like to say to her!

And then there's her sense of direction, that's non existant, How can you get lost in a city where all the roads are in numerical order and tell you which direction you are walking in, a bloody child could work that system out in half an hour but oh no, not my mother! She was so fucking useless that she wouldn't go out on her own so consequently I had no time on my own and by the end of 4 days out there with her it has got to the point where I can not stand the sound of her voice and pointless questions!

To put the cherry on top on our last day we couldn't do anything as the whole city came to a standstill as President Bush flew in for talks at the UN. There must be a lot of people who want him out of power as the security was as if Iraq had just invaded them. The dopey bugger then has the cheek to hold a talk at the NY library on children and literature, this is the guy who can't make a public announcement without putting his foot in it as his grammer is so terrible!

So here I am back in London, no holiday time left from work and have had a really shit break at god knows what cost and my relationship with both of my parents is close to non-existant, oh the joys of family!

I went to work thinking, yes it's my last day before at work before I go away so I am busy trying to get everything done thinking well I can do the washing and packing tomorrow. I say to the bosses, "right I'm off see you next week" and they insist that I work tomorrow, thanks for the notice you unthoughtful cunts!
So that put me in a bad mood, I get home thinking I must start packing only to find a letter from The Inland Revenue saying that my National Insurance hasn't been paid for over a year and if I don't pay the whole sum now plus court fees then I will have to go to court and all that crap. I wouldn't mind but I don't pay my national insurance, my father does as he uses my name for his company, fucking stupid old git hasn't paid it so now all the shit is in my name! God I sometimes wonder about the older generation, just because it comes in a letter they think they can ignore it, Wake up you old fart and live in the real world!

I try to call the court to sort it out and what do I get? "Sorry our lines are only open from 10am - 4pm" Well what fucking use is that to anyone who works?! I am due out in New York on Friday and if I don't get it sorted by then I will have to come back to a court appearance.

Now I have to go out all happy as my mates have just got engaged and we are all meant to be celebrating but the way I feel today I feel like saying when's the divorce due not the wedding!::::

Definitely beats the original James Blunt song

MASTERCARD WEDDING ???

You got to love this guy. This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300
guests.

Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui: $8,500

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD!

"Life isn't like a bowl of cherries or peaches, it's more like a jar of Jalapenos--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow...

Being a Sunday we had to do the family thing and invite my grandmother over for dinner. They seem to get to that age where they become such lazy old gits that can't be bothered to cook for themselves so the only time they eat a proper meal is when you put it in front of them.

Only problem is although it's a proper meal, it's so long since they have eaten with other people that their table manners are now non existent.

She's obviously not eaten for days as she has started eating hers before everything has been put on the table and everyone has sat down.

She then eats so quickly that she gags and puts everyone else around the table off eating for the evening. Why do I bother spending 2 hours cooking a meal that you wil shove in your gob at such a rate that you gag and bring it all back up again, next time I'll just give you sick on a plate!

The only thing she eats at home is cakes and biscuits as they come ready in a packet. We had a brand new kitchen fitted for her 3 years ago and no joke the oven hasn't been used once! The words "Why do I fucking bother?" come to mind.

Then there's dessert, after recovering from gagging on the main course she will tuck into dessert but only after it has drowned in a pot of double cream.

They are telling my generation to eat healthily and avoid fats and here she is pushing 90 years old, lives on cream cakes and is admittedly rather fat but health wise she's got a long time to go and all I can think is how many more weekends can I put up with gagging at the dinner table!? My dogs eats with more manners than that.

Sorry, just had to get that out of my system

Remember the books we all loved as children, well here's the 21st century version.